"Perhaps they are not really stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost one
pours through and shines down upon us
to let us know they are happy."
It has been a month today since we had to say a hard goodbye to my big/little brother,Spencer.
If somebody had told me a month ago that I would be able to live a whole month without him, I would have told them they were crazy! Yet,here I am a month later, missing him like I have never missed anyone before, but being able to carry on with life. I can't say life has returned to normal because it never will be the same "normal" without Spencer here, but life has returned to a "new normal" in which I enjoy every day of my life with Matt, and rejoice knowing my special brother is in heaven extremely happy,and free of pain, hurt, tiredness, or temptation. BUT.. there is a huge hole left in my heart and life that nobody can fill, cause that was a special place ONLY for Spencer. All those fun things we used to do together-going to horse pulls, scooting the horses, driving out to Teen Thunder together, talking long into the night when something was bothering him or me, listening to music together- I miss being able to do those things with him. All the fun things we planned to do together-coming to visit Matt and I, going to the gravel pit to try out Matt's guns, going to watch him pull in Cumberland, Maine when he qualified to pull there, watching him pull at the Lawrencetown exhibition this summer-knowing I'll never be able to do those things with him hurts and leaves a big empty space in my life.
But one of the things that really helps when I am hurting and missing him SOOOO much, is to go outside at night, and look up at the stars. There is usually one that is brighter than the rest, and I imagine it is Spencer saying "Hi" with that little grin of his, and telling me that he loves me. I mentally, and sometimes even physically, blow a kiss to him and whisper "I love you, Spencer!" Then the hurt goes away, and it feels like he is right there with me, telling me that it is "Ok", and that he truly is happy.
A peace and a calm assurance comes over me as well whenever I read Psalm 18. The Lord gave me this chapter to help me in the days after Spencer's death,and I have read and reread it many times since. The whole chapter is full of promises, but there were a couple of verses that were especially helpful to me.
Verse 2: The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
Verse 30: As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
Verse 32: It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
So,a month later, although I GREATLY miss our Spencer, the Lord has given a peace and a strength that only He can give, and the hole that Spencer left is only being filled with more and more love for that special brother of mine. :-)